One of those Days

Dearest Mark,

It has been almost four months since you have left us. Each day goes by and sometimes I forget that you are gone, but maybe because you have never really left us. Each day goes by, slowly but steadily, sometimes I stumble into poignant memories and I sob like a child. It never heals, the pain of losing you, it never goes anywhere but here where it is sore. Deep in our hearts.

So many things I wish. I wish you could help me choose the tiles for my house which you designed. I wish you could help Aunt Toto with the construction of the mausoleum in Ilaya so she wont have to cry that Bayong doesn’t understand what she goes through. I wish that I went home last year during Kuya’s wedding, I would have spent more time with you. If only I know. But we are just strangers to the cycle of life, not knowing when someone is born or when someone goes away.

I wish for Zsa to find new love so her heart may heal and she be happy. I know you will be happy for her too. I feel her pain in some respect.

I keep listening to Don Moen’s “If you could see me now” and I find comfort in the thought that you are in a much better place than us.

I wish you are happy, I wish you are joyful.

We love you always.


Love
Ate Ping

A Letter for Mac

Hi Mac,

I miss you a lot. I go on everyday pretending you are still in Iligan, still hearing your voice, still seeing your smile. But an emptiness in my heart thrives. Such hurting void lives within me. It used to be your place. It is still your place. The memories I have of you I replay them over and over until I bleed and cry in the mystery of our loss.

At times I wish it was I who was taken. You had greater vision than me, you had better mission than many of us. Your life was well worth than mine. But alas, you are gone and we are left here to hurt, to scatter your goodwill in any way we can, and to miss you most of the time. In time, I know it will not heal, but we will learn to accept what pain is left there is for us to struggle to understand. It still brings misery day to day but we live, surviving, hoping of what might have been.

I am back in the office today and my colleagues wish me well and tell me words of condolences hoping they comfort me but in truth it just hurts the more. I try to live as if it was the same, as if the world is still the same but it is not and never will be.

All I ask is for you to watch over us, with Papang, if ever God allows you to. One day we will be together and maybe we will try to live again and share better love and togetherness than we as family ever did.

Just know that maybe I have not told you often enough but I love you all the time.

Love
Ateping

From Ate Ping

I have been quiet, wallowing in my own heartache, as if I am alone. I know the rest of us who love you, who are left behind, all feel the same bereft, the same ugly loneliness, the same wounding sadness inside us. This emotion transcends what most of us call pain.

I have not yet even recovered from the demise of Papang, I was just working my way on achieving our individual dreams nourished by the love and encouragement of what we have all gone through. And just as you were about to achieve your own dreams, as a soothing balm to the same heartache we felt on that Sunday morning of 13 September 1992, here you are again, taken. Away from my sight, away from my touch, even away from my sense of hearing.

Papang always said before, Mac-Mac will be the luckiest among all of you, because he will live life to the full, he will be loved by all of you, you will be able to give him what he will need. He will be spoiled. You are everything of that but you were never spoiled. We have loved you, but you have worked hard on your own to prove to us and to others that you are not just the youngest, but that you will be the brightest among us, the one who would be able to achieve all our dreams together. And you did. You almost did.

Today, we attended your graduation, then we went to the house of the Morales. Shirley showed us your designs. She showed us your talent. The talent that I knew existed but have not seen so much of before because I was far. And I saw them today. My heart felt like it was ripped open and stabbed repeatedly, hurting me. I would never see how much of an artist was there inside you. You would have been an architect with a diploma by now. But you have proven to be more than that even before you even had the chance to get a photoshoot for your graduation. I know, we all think, how much more could you have done, if only.

We saw the grotto of the Virgin Mary, I stood back as I saw them- Mamang, Ate, Jic, Jun, standing there in front of it, probably uttering silent prayers for you, or probably same like me, holding back the tears welling up in our eyes.

I weep for that time when I wanted to call you and I couldnt because I was busy, I cry for that time when I call you and every time you say you are busy. I have told you I love you often everytime I call. Yet, not often enough. Maybe now you know how much I love you.

You have lived life to the full, in every day that you have lived. You have cried, and laughed and have achieved what most people would have achieved when they are in their 50s. You are blessed. You are loved.

We remain here. And like most nights since I got here, like most silent moments since I heard that tragic phone call from home at 4 o'clock in the morning, thirteen days ago, I remain here, weeping for what might have been.

In time, maybe our hearts will heal.

We love you so much Mac. Please tell Papang we love him so much too.

From May Anne

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 2:44:00 PM
Subject:
Gudbye MAC MAC
Message:
I want to say gudbye to my cousin mac mac whopassed away last March 14. You are always onour thoughts forever.May your soul rest in peace.

from Ate Jic

death, unreal, surreal, a dream. i watch him as he mocks me, looks at me, as if daring me
to snatch my loved-one out of his clutch.

i watched my loved-one as if sleeping peacefully, me in a stupor, in a daze, in a trance. i looked at him, wishing, hoping, he'd wake up and smile as if nothing's happened.

i know i don't need to ask, to question, but there is one thing that''s always been on my mind, since 14 years ago, the\nthought unvoiced, un-uttered, the word WHY?

they always say death comes unannounced, unexpected, seldom welcomed. we don't need to ask ourselves why it happened. the how and the what is always answered, but the WHY is never been.

there's no point in regretting, the ones left are always who suffer, feeling bereft, feeling a failure, feeling guilty.

what happened gave me a reality check. life should be lived to the fullest, like what my brother did. we should enjoy life not by having too much material wealth, but loving and giving too much until it hurts.

because when the time comes, we bring nothing and leave everything behind. and what legacy we leave, we hope will be inherited by the next generation, and the generation thereafter.

i know i don't need to ask, to question, but there is one thing that's always been on my mind, since 14 years ago, the thought unvoiced, un-uttered, the word WHY?

they always say death comes unannounced, unexpected, seldom welcomed. we don't need to ask ourselves why it happened. the how and the what is always answered, but the WHY is never been.

there's no point in regretting, the ones left are always who suffer, feeling bereft, feeling a failure, feeling guilty.

what happened gave me a reality check. life should be lived to the fullest, like what my brother did. we should enjoy life not by having too much material wealth, but loving and giving too much until it hurts.

because when the time comes, we bring nothing and leave everything behind. and what legacy we leave, we hope will be inherited by the next generation, and the generation thereafter.


grace

***in memory of my brother, Mark Alfonsus, with love and affection